Wednesday, September 26, 2012

No apologies

You may have noticed I don't say 'I'm Sorry' anymore.

I have always felt that if I had to say so, it had to be from the heart.  It always has.  From my heart, I have sincerely apologized for being wrong.  When I wasn't wrong, I was apologizing for hurting you.  I have always thought that doing so was taking a pass, fixing everything, reverting all things back to the way it was.  A 'Get Out of Jail' FREE card, if you will.  Another fairy tale, another dream life, dashed and cursed as stupidity.

You have taught me otherwise.  In your eyes, my apologies are evidence of weakness and proves you were right.  Regardless, I have to be punished with your silence and unforgiveness, sullenly unforgettable.  I am thankful it does not last weeks and months, silent but for slamming doors, but it still feels terrible, like you're going to leave me.

Don't demand I speak up and then get upset if I'm shouting.  I, for one, can't tell if you couldn't hear me or weren't listening because your focus was elsewhere.

Stop picking fights with me.  Who do you think I am?  You seem to forget I'm the one that loves you, would do anything for you, only want your happiness.

Where is your happiness?  Why can you not find it?  If I am your world, like you say, live like you love it, like there's no place else to be.  As if you love me.  

I'm not playing at loving you.  I'm not 'being that way' whatever that way is.  You are breaking my heart.  When you walk away, I need to know you're coming back, because this life would be over without you.  Note: I didn't say I won't survive.  We both are very practiced in getting by in survival mode.  I'm saying I don't want to go back there.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

It means something

Thirty years ago today, I got married the first time.

I really don't have anything important to say about that, beyond what I've said before, and what I do have to say I want to be thoughtful about, so let me compose that....  Unfortunately, I've been swamped and pooped out and haven't finished.  Stay tuned if you need to pay attention, otherwise, see you around?  
Edited 9/16:

I've said before, the important thing, in my opinion, that happened to me during all those years, was my daughter.  She has been the sunlight in my everyday, and I probably would not be the person I am today without her very existence.  She is my future as well, and I realize, she has great importance in the universe, so I am content to share her with others.

I have been changed since that day 30 years ago.  That probably is an understatement, I've probably been changed in many times over, but there are some things that are very obvious that I can share:

Things are not so black & white at nearly 50 from nearly 20.  I think a lot of the rules we learn when we are young do seem to be black and white, right or wrong, happy or sad, but as we get older there are a lot of shades of grey that also become blatantly apparent.  Perhaps the rules of youth are guidelines to make decisions by as a protection until we figure things out on our own later.

I hate quoting Dr. Phil on this one but I know for a fact it is a truth ~ We're not grown or adult when we are out of school or married or have driver's licenses or whatever is the drinking age.  A study Dr. Phil pointed out shows that there is a part of the brain that can see the result of decisions we make that is not developed until about the age 25.  For my part, a lot of things became apparent right about that point.  Of course there were a lot of things happening about then, the birth of my daughter, the loss of a sister-in-law close to my age to breast cancer, the loss of another in-law in a tragic accident exactly four months later...  Making a simple statement to my mother of my determination not to raise a daughter to hide from the skeletons in the family closet or to condone (making light) of those issues, and thus not having her a part of my life for a couple of long years.... 

All of those things were very hard to bear, but the toughest complication came from how I was treated by the mental health profession.  I came to realize I was in a relationship that I was unequal to, and the 'experts' determined I was clinically depressed and put me on drugs that eventually landed me in the hospital psych ward for two weeks.  Those two weeks were the longest of my life.  They were right at the time my daughter turned one-year-old, and her first steps happened right there on that nasty carpeted floor.  Each different person who wanted a piece of me there had a different definition of why I was there (ranging from Post-Partum depression, unresolved issues with the abuse received in childhood by my father and others, poverty, unemployment, etc.) and a different pill to cope with it, but it is my opinion I was sad or having a difficult time dealing with a sad situation.  Plain and simple.  No pills required for that, but a decent  friend would have been really helpful.

People are not usually what they say they are, but they are what they prove to be.  I've found out that I tend to believe everything a person tells me, but the older I get, I tend to shelve that information for corresponding proof.   With that, People cannot be depended on (including myself) and if you needed someone to depend upon absolutely, you have to look higher....

I don't have much regrets:  There are a lot of people I miss, many who have admirable traits that I wish I had.  However, the world relishing drama and reality television like it does, it seems that most would rather let the world go along that way.  We seem to expect certain people to behave a certain way, when in real life we are entirely capable of better behavior.  In that same vein, if we are of a moral or religious view, we should be emulating whatever higher being we worship.  Most people seem to have a faith but don't tend to behave that way, which is beyond sad ~ it's deplorable.  We should all be better than that.  Often makes me wonder at what age we grow out of school yard childishness.

So, I tend not to look back at those years as lost.  They're not lost, I have some very good memories.  I don't have much beyond that so I tend not to look back at all.  I don't wish to stand still, not much can be done about the past, I can only move forward with those who would move forward with me.