Wednesday, September 26, 2012

No apologies

You may have noticed I don't say 'I'm Sorry' anymore.

I have always felt that if I had to say so, it had to be from the heart.  It always has.  From my heart, I have sincerely apologized for being wrong.  When I wasn't wrong, I was apologizing for hurting you.  I have always thought that doing so was taking a pass, fixing everything, reverting all things back to the way it was.  A 'Get Out of Jail' FREE card, if you will.  Another fairy tale, another dream life, dashed and cursed as stupidity.

You have taught me otherwise.  In your eyes, my apologies are evidence of weakness and proves you were right.  Regardless, I have to be punished with your silence and unforgiveness, sullenly unforgettable.  I am thankful it does not last weeks and months, silent but for slamming doors, but it still feels terrible, like you're going to leave me.

Don't demand I speak up and then get upset if I'm shouting.  I, for one, can't tell if you couldn't hear me or weren't listening because your focus was elsewhere.

Stop picking fights with me.  Who do you think I am?  You seem to forget I'm the one that loves you, would do anything for you, only want your happiness.

Where is your happiness?  Why can you not find it?  If I am your world, like you say, live like you love it, like there's no place else to be.  As if you love me.  

I'm not playing at loving you.  I'm not 'being that way' whatever that way is.  You are breaking my heart.  When you walk away, I need to know you're coming back, because this life would be over without you.  Note: I didn't say I won't survive.  We both are very practiced in getting by in survival mode.  I'm saying I don't want to go back there.

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