Friday, December 4, 2009

My character Flaw. Or the one I admit to.

This was a blog post I wrote last spring on my myspace profile. Maybe February.

Well, I have some sad news.

After a lifetime of fighting with myself to be a good person, I've realized I've developed a bad personality. Yep. I'm VAIN.

I really hate admitting that. I'm so disappointed in myself and I know you are disappointed in me too. My deepest, sincerest apologies.

It seems that when I know I have something coming up in my future that happens at a different place that I've never been to or with people I've never met, I become OBSESSED with what am I gonna wear. For example: In a couple of weeks, I have a meeting to attend with a few, not all, of my co-workers. There was this same meeting with them last year, but the difference is that it is to be held someplace else AND I go by myself. So, when I first heard all this months ago, I couldn't stop thinking about what should I wear. It should be comfortable, I should be dressing appropriately for my job, able to fade into the crowd and not draw attention to myself, I should blend in.

I obsessed on all this for weeks, my thoughts always drifting that direction. Finally, I had it figured out a couple months ago. Every once in a while though, the panic surfaces again that I have to do this thing, what do I wear, oh, I decided that already and I'm determined I'm not changing my mind about it. Maybe.

I'm so disappointed about this, I haven't told anybody about it. Not even Superman. I told the dog, but all she says is, 'what does this have to do with me being cute enough to get a cookie or not'. I feel a fake. Like one of the Barbies that have their hair colored all the time, their nails done, made up to look like someone else. So not the person I want to be. Probably not the person you thought I was either. Again, I'm sorry.

At the time I wrote that, what I didn't say was that I was having that turmoil with the upcoming meeting of my step-daughter. For the first time. Ever. I was so nervous weeks before it happened that I was simply out of my head that the first time she saw me, she would look at me and what I was wearing and think evil step-mother. I don't know what she thought of me, because in the end the one she came to see was her Daddy.

This is my daughter and I, My husband Superman and his daughter on that first meeting.

The reason I'm revisiting this is because I'm having that same panic attack again. It's actually been on my mind the last couple of months and I've managed to distract myself with knitting or something. The event: The Company Party. I didn't go last year, but I did the year before, when I was brand-new with the company, hoping I would meet everybody. I was so sick with anxiety about the whole thing I really don't remember much. I actually couldn't remember where it was held for the longest time. It's in the same place this time, so, it's a good thing it finally came to me. Normally, I wouldn't go, but I've discovered that I have not developed any kind of relationship with anybody in the company probably because we hadn't gone to the last couple of these events. None of these people know us, but because everybody knows everything about the boss, we've heard lots about them.

So, guess what? It's tomorrow. And know what else? I can't decide what to wear. The panic right at this moment is really bad, because, unlike those to earlier blogged about events, I haven't decided on anything at all, not even something to try to change my mind about over and over again. No, I will not buy something new, I have plenty suitable, a lot of it is stuff I don't get to wear much anymore. I distracted myself pretty good all day from this because I put together the package I'm supposed to take, but now that it's getting closer to bedtime, I'm thinking I may not be able to sleep. I'll let you know.

ETA: OK, the company thing was yesterday. I saw the half dozen or so people I was looking forward to seeing. And more. I was overdressed. Last time I went I considered wearing a dress, but went in slacks and it felt like too much. This time I went in nice jeans and a nice t-shirt with a scarf and still was overdressed.

There were other people like me who over did it too. Like the lady who wore a lace from head to toe dress (I liked her shoes, but the dress would have looked much better and she would have looked 20-30 pounds lighter if she just had worn the bra that put her girls in the part of the dress where it was made for them to go). I used to have that dress, I wonder what happened to it, it was a different color. There was another woman who wore slinky knit dress pants and really shouldn't have because she had 30 gallon garbage bags of cottage cheese on each hip under them and every dimple plainly visible. That actually made me so sick I couldn't look anymore.

Actually, I did get sick. I hope not a virus, but have been feeling yucky and wrapped in a blanket on the sofa all day. I just logged in here to finalize this post. Now, I'm going back to the sofa.

Maybe this is s paybacks for noticing the cottage cheese gone wrong.

No comments:

Post a Comment