A Real Man

Dear SON OF MY HEART,

I love you. You know that, don't you?

I have loved you from the moment we met. I knew then that you were torn between good and evil. You are good but attracted to evil. You feel the good inside you can overcome the evil you find. You think your light can bring a glow to the darkness in others.

I really hope that I was not the one who dumped you on your head when you were little, because I do not want to be blamed for the stupid that you're doing. I know you only want to have a family and you want love to go with it. Believe me, you will get that in time, only when you are old enough to recognize the difference between good and evil. The trick now is to not get so lost in evil so deep that you'll end up paying for it the rest of your life.

Please, don't misunderstand, and if she reads this don't let her think, for one minute, I mean that she is evil. I hear that she recognises what is wrong with her own pattern of thinking, and really, that is a good thing. However, as long as she continues to behave they way she has, with full knowledge that she is doing wrong, what she does is evil.

The problem at this point is that because you want love and want to be the good in her life and the life of her children, you are failing to do the things YOU NEED TO DO. If you say you want to be their father, then you do it. You don't arrive in town and continue to spend even MORE time away from them, you hurry to be with them. You don't have a lot of time, you're missing out on the most impressionable period of their life and you're giving it away (to where I don't begin to guess) and forsaking what is most precious to you BY YOUR OWN WORDS.

Actions speak louder than words. If you are going to say, 'They are my boys' then you need to prove it. If you say, 'I love my boys more than anything else in the whole world', 'they are my whole world', well my boy, I have to say to that, YOU NEED TO PROVE IT! They need you to prove it. Because right at this moment, by your actions, you can't claim that as your truth. Your actions make those statements lies, and nobody puts up with having smoke blown up their ass.

As for her: The same statement applies. Actions speak louder than words, for her too. She can't call 'your sister' and say she knows what she's done wrong in the past and that she will not do it anymore. She's going to have to prove her truth too. I don't want her e-mails. I want to see that she is a WOMAN, that she is a MOTHER and that she is a WIFE, because all of those titles belong to a mature person who is that before she becomes that. She may think she is full-grown but she is just a pussy until she proves she's an adult, she may have given birth to two of the cutest littles on the face of the planet, but until she takes her head out of her butt and puts them first BY HER ACTIONS she is no mother, and until she can make an abode a home she is no wife to you.

I can say that with confidence about her because I am a female that survived puberty, where as I can't give you the similar-but-male speech because I have never been a boy that survived puberty myself, but I believe you got that speech a couple months back from my husband. Do you recall what he said to you or only the humiliation you felt? Because if it was only the shame then you didn't hear what he said. I wasn't there, so I'm sure I didn't get 100% of the story, but I know where it came from. It came from a man who met a woman, who had two kids, who he fell in love with, not just her but all three. He worked hard and broke himself to pieces to have a home for them and everything they desired, to protect them not just from the outside world but from themselves. He was the kind of man that can get down on the floor and play, not stand back and judge, who can see the good in somebody and overlook their faults for as long as they don't become injurious, has room in his heart to adopt the unadoptable dogs, who is moved by injustice in this world to the point where he can cry, and thinks so much of your Aunt that he can kiss her, hug her, caress her cheek, nuzzle her neck and make her dinner when she has barely functioned enough all day that the house is a mess but the dogs were walked and that is good enough for him. There is a reason that I call him 'Superman' and it is not an exaggeration. So, when he called you out on your stupidity, you knew you were getting the precious gold kind of advice. You knew he cared enough about you to say something rather that let you do your own thing because you felt he loved you. I know he did.

I know that I am nothing to you, and my advice means nothing and it will probably blow away on the wind. Which is why I'm putting my aggravation here, rather than send it to you directly. I can't hold this sadness inside me, I can't be a good sister to your mom and listen to her and try to read between the lines what she's not saying, if I have to carry this blackness around with me. It will only multiply with every message you put out there, so I am going to have to turn off those avenues I've used to watch you. I have tried not to give my opinion about anything you do because I know your hormones make your adrenaline deaf, and I'm am not judging you. I can't judge anybody because I've make stupid choices myself, believing what I was told was my truth. I have questioned your decisions to make sure you were aware and you knew what you were doing, but that has been treated as prying and insulting.

I love you. I always have, I always will. I don't love what you do, so, I can't watch. I will know what occurs by peeking through the fingers that cover my eyes, so my hope is that I will hear that you are taking actions toward becoming a good man. In the meantime, I have to leave this circus, I have to turn off the Jerry Springer Show, because reality television makes me sick.

When I say, be good, my boy, I mean it. I am more serious when I say, be safe. Otherwise you'll break my heart and mine won't be the first nor the hardest broke.